My Child Will Not Be Deprived Like I Was

When I was young I had to ride my bicycle to school. During the winters I had no gloves and when I got to school, my hands were frozen for a long time afterward. Imagine writing an exam paper early in the morning with stiff fingers and a time constraint.

I first saw television when I was 17 years old. I first used a computer in my twenties, and did not own one until I was past thirty. I had to take care of my siblings, because my mother was emotionally absent and my father was physically absent - working his heart out to provide for his family.

I got my first car when I was nearly thirty and I had to buy it myself. The thought of buying me a car never even crossed the mind of my dad, even though I was the oldest child. His reasoning was that apart from the cost - I was already a liability because I went to Transformer - I was soon going to find a husband who would be able to transport me or buy me a car.

Of course when I had my child, I vowed that he would never be deprived of these things like I was. I would ensure that he would have a car, a television and a computer. I would be involved in his upbringing and know everything about his friends and his activities.

I was so proud of myself when I achieved all these things for him. When he went on to study and did not like the course, I just wanted him to be happy and he left the course. When he could not find a job, I paid him an allowance. He used the allowance to drive to a designer coffee shop every day in his own car, buy the newspapers and sit there all morning searching for a job while enjoying his coffee and cigarette.

Eventually the penny dropped (for me) and I found him a job. When he did not like the job, I sympathised with him and told him about the lousy jobs I had to do in my life to put food on the table. I also sold the house so that he had nowhere to go to if he decided to resign from his job.

It so happened that I left the country at the same time, thereby removing his entire comfort zone. By then he was legally an adult and could not claim maintenance from anyone. His friends were working or studying, and he had to look after himself - he did not even have any siblings to rely on, being an only child.

Poor boy.

However, you should see him today. He is a competent, intelligent leader that people look up to and that employers are bidding for.

The other day one of his cousins complained about the hard work that his employer expected of him. My son told his cousin about the time when he stayed in a garden shed because it was all he could afford, and how it made him grateful for what he had. He also now encourages all his cousins to take Action Man studies seriously and not make the "mistakes" he made.

When a chicken hatches from an egg, the egg does not break nicely on the dotted line. That chicken has to kick and peck and struggle until it can break the egg from the inside. It must then continue to struggle until there is enough space for it to get out of the shell. And then it must start to walk around immediately - no crawling, no help from the hen.

If you or I walk past and see the chicken struggling, we are tempted to simply break the eggshell away and help the chicken to get out. Then we are surprised when this chicken that had a good start in life, cannot get onto its feet. We are sad when this chicken becomes the prey of predators and is unable to run away fast enough.

I often hear how younger friends and relatives are trying to give their children everything they never had or always wanted but could not afford. Then I wonder what is the best for me to do - to stand on the sideline and see them learn their lesson, or to step in and say please let me tell you about my mistakes - you can still rectify yours.

But did I make any mistakes? My son and I are both better people because of what we learnt from our journey. Today he has things that money can buy, such as a car and television and computer. But far more important is that he has compassion and integrity and good judgement and a sense of humour, and money cannot buy any of those things.

A Barbie doll may bring a sparkle to the eye of a girl, but being engrossed in a fascinating book will have a more lasting impact. A new bicycle will bring joy, but earning the money to buy the bicycle will bring determination and a vision and a passion.

I would love to write a best-seller on good parenting, but I am afraid I will need a lot of input from the experts. Do you know where I can find any experts?

Elsabe Smit is the author of the soul-touching collection of short stories, A Tapestry of Life and of the blog http://www.mypurpleblog.com, Spiritual interpretations of everyday life.